Left Looking Haggard

Now that we have a little more to go on in the in the Ted Haggard episode, we can intelligently analyze the facts at hand.

Lessee...bought drugs but didn't use them...had an illicit, but non-sexual, relationship with a gay male prostitute...

There's only one conclusion we can draw: Haggard is almost -- but not quite -- qualified to run for higher office as a Democrat.

*sigh* If ONLY he had taken the drugs and had sex with the guy. Maybe put his lover on the payroll in a job he was unqualified for for good measure.

Can't you just see it unfurling like a tableau? The public accusation and the fervent denial: "I did NOT have sex with that man, Mr. Jones."

Then, the evidence would appear -- surreptitious recordings, a garment of some type stained with an incriminating bodily fluid.

There would be weeks or months of media drama, hearings and various events -- accusers and defenders would battle.

And, when the evidence was irrefutable, finally the tearful confession: "I am a gay American Evangelical."

Liberals -- being the caring, accepting, tolerant bunch that they are -- would rush to embrace him. "It's nobody's business but his own," they'd say, as they praised his bravery.

A lucrative book deal would follow. Jake Gyllenhaal would play him in the motion picture adapation -- "Brokeback Pulpit," possibly.

He'd make the rounds of the chat shows -- sitting on Oprah's couch, dancing with Ellen, having tea with the ladies on The View. He'd trade laughs with Letterman, Leno and O'Brien.

He'd be the toast of Hollywood.

And before you know it, it would be 2008 and "Haggard for President" on the Democratic ticket.

If only. If only.

You see kids, this is what happens when you don't plan ahead and follow through.